07-<< 2017-08- >>09-
12345678910111213141516171819202122232425262728293031

about blog (はじめに)





To all guests and friends, thank you for viewing my blog!!
I mostly write about everyday happenings.

日本の客さまや友達、私のブログを見てくれてありがとうございます!!
いつも英語ばっかりですみません・・・。
文法や語彙力はまずいけど、もし良ければいつでも日本語でコメントしてもいいんです。新しい人と話をかけると嬉しい。
普通に自分の日常茶飯事の事を書きます。


カテゴリ : [Blog/ブログ]
tag : [announcement お知らせ ]
この記事へのTrackbacks:数 : (0) [Trackbacks:する]
この記事へのComments:数 : (12) [Comments:する]
| top↑
Comment is pending approval. From:-



Comment is pending approval. From:-



Comment is pending approval. From:-



Comment is pending approval. From:-



Comment is pending approval. From:-



Comment is pending approval. From:-



Comment is pending approval. From:-



Comment is pending approval. From:-



Comment is pending approval. From:-



Comment is pending approval. From:-




OK





WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I UPDATED THIS BLOG

i don't think anyone in the world even knows it exists anymore, but just in case anyone stumbles across it, i am happy and well right now. i am working on things i love and moving along in life. i'm surrounded by people who are good to me and care about me♥ i'm very blessed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i felt bad because the last entry on this blog was so negative. things get hard, but i'm makin' my circumstances better


カテゴリ : [Category: None]
この記事へのTrackbacks:数 : (0) [Trackbacks:する]
この記事へのComments:数 : (0) [Comments:する]
| top↑

i guess it's no secret





that in the last few years, i've suffered from occasional bouts of depression. i don't want to say that i have full-blown depression, because i have never formally talked to a doctor about it, and it comes and goes in cycles, so i can't really say for sure. but there are definitely times when i have 'low points' that i feel like i never had as a kid, times when all i can say to myself is 'who cares? i wish i were dead.'

and at the same time, i know that way of thinking ridiculous, but i can't stop myself. i feel my emotions slipping out of control, and i feel like all i can do is watch myself fall to pieces. what's better is there's not a lot of people who bother asking if i'm okay when that happens anymore, and that only confirms my feelings that nobody really cares, even if it's not true. i stopped asking for help, and i guess people stopped feeling obligated to help.

i push people away when i'm in a bad place, but all i really want is someone to see that i /do/ need help, they just have to prove that they're really willing to do something to pull me out of that bad place. when people back off, even if i asked them to, i feel like they're giving up and leaving me to be, and then i just feel more awful

because any person can say, "aw, i'm sorry, feel better." and not really mean it

maybe it's selfish of me. but i feel like i put a lot of effort into showing my concern for dozens and dozens of other people in my life, and most of the time, i don't even get "aw, i'm sorry, feel better" in return. i'm good at being a doormat i suppose.

i feel like i drop enough hints. i start making self-depreciating comments, saying self-destructive things, indicating that i'm not exactly 'all there' at the moment. when those things are happening, it's a sign that i'm starting to build up to a meltdown, and yet it's so rare that someone intervenes and says, "hey, come talk to me about this. what's going on? are you okay?"

any other greeting is easy for me to smile at. i can say "cool, thanks!" when someone tells me good luck, or hang in there. i can say, "aww, that's nice of you," when someone says, no you're great!, or you're strong, keep it up! but when someone asks me, "are you okay?" i can't cover anything with a smile because, no, i'm not okay. i'm not okay

i'm not okay

but no one loves me when i'm not okay so i try to look okay all the time

but every now and then i get sick of it


カテゴリ : [Category: None]
この記事へのTrackbacks:数 : (0) [Trackbacks:する]
この記事へのComments:数 : (1) [Comments:する]
| top↑
Comment is pending approval. From:-




Gosh, I miss this blog.





I wish it were as convenient to update as tumblr is. I really do miss this place. It kind of reminds me of bad times, but it feels more like my own little corner as well.

Perhaps I could just start keeping mundane daily logs...

Today I had computer and psychology. Computer class is slow and boring, the teacher's english is a little hard to follow. Brenda, Christina, and I killed time in the computer lab for a while and then wasted time in the cafeteria as usual. Brenda's computer was acting up, so we watched tf2 sfm videos while her computer did a self-check or somethin. It was nice to just sit together and watch fun things. Idk, I enjoy mundane bonding experiences a lot LOL. Psychology... I feel pretty neutral towards it right now. Sometimes it catches my interest and sometimes I'd rather read comics during class (which I do. Whoops.)

Came home, skyped with my girls (as if we hadn't spent all day together LOL) and played some games. Worked on homework. Spammed each other with Ib videos. Worked some more on homework.

Now I'm listening to sad piano covers and itching to write something, so I guess I'll do that real quick before bed. I have class at 7:30 tomorrow....... sheesh.


カテゴリ : [Category: None]
この記事へのTrackbacks:数 : (0) [Trackbacks:する]
この記事へのComments:数 : (1) [Comments:する]
| top↑
Comment is pending approval. From:-




It's been a while





Since I've made an entry here.

Hmmmm. I wonder if I should start using this again.


カテゴリ : [Category: None]
この記事へのTrackbacks:数 : (0) [Trackbacks:する]
この記事へのComments:数 : (2) [Comments:する]
| top↑
Comment is pending approval. From:-



Comment is pending approval. From:-





| HOME |Next page>>